May 29, 2012

House

I get a lot of my blog ideas from what is going on in my head and many more from what I read.  But some come from other strange places.  Like television shows.  Like "House", which I just started watching now that its over.

In a recent episode, lo and hehold, one of the key characters had cancer which looks it's going to get him.  His name is Wilson and he himself is an oncologist and Dr. House's best (and only) friend.  He is trying to come to grips with the idea of dying and having a hard time with it, so he reaches out to one of House's old team (13) who has a terminal prognosis and asks,  "Does it always have to feel so surreal?  And I immediately realized that this was the word I was looking for when people asked how it felt to be dying.  I would say confused, depressed, detached, disconnected, like living two lives.  But none of these seemed to capture it quite so well as this.  It does feel surreal.  There is a strange reality to each and every day that I find myself trying to reconcile - I'm dying but I'm alive.   If I were stronger, perhaps I could focus more on being alive, but the disease that will kill me has taken much away from me such that I don't have that physical strength and, as such, I don't really have that choice to make.  That's my reality.  So surreal it is.  It works for me and I hope it helps you understand this strange existence just a little bit better.

In the same episode, one of the doctors quoted the results of a post-911 study that determined repression was a better coping mechanism than wallowing in grief.  Now, I don't know whether that study was real or whether I've interpreted it correctly, but it's an interesting thought.  Some things are just too big for us to handle and perhaps the idea of dying is one of those things that, while we can't escape it, perhaps we can repress it enough to get on with living for awhile.  Is that even possible?  It goes against the grain of everything I represent but, just as some people deny that they have cancer as a way of coping, perhaps they can deny that they are going to die from it.  Denial.  Repression.  I couldn't do it and wouldn't want to.  But maybe some can and maybe it works for them.

Anyway.  Some interesting thoughts from an interesting source.

So long, House. 

PERSONAL HEALTH UPDATE

I realize now just how sick I was this past week and how close to death I was.  When I first reported on it, I was focused on the fact that I had sepsis and what a terrible thing that was.  But then I discovered that I had lost 2 days, some of it completely and some of it in sickened haze where people came and went and where Dianne ministered to me hour by hour, essentially keeping me alive.  And now, with the relative clarity of hindsight, I can experience viscerally the weakened state it has left me in.

I rely heavily on oxygen now.  Going up or down the stairs, carrying dishes into the kitchen.... simple things like this leave me gasping for breath.  So we  had the family discussion and decided to make a last stand in my own bed, close to bath and shower and the additon of a small fridge for medicines and cold drinks.  We decided that this would be the best place overall where I would be most comfortable and that could hopefully minimize the amount of vertical travel.  I fully expect to get sicker from here on in and we will handle this as best we can from our new headquarters.

We'll see how that goes!

72 comments:

Bob B. said...

Surreal does have a nice ring to it. I've had glimpses of that myself: life just doesn't seem as solid as it used to.
I was listening to a talk last night and the speaker made a comment to the effect that denial is not that far from living in the moment. Both involve treating the future as being something to be dealt with later. So maybe denial is not such a bad state to be in after all.
All the best!

raptordreams said...

I love the Boomer generation of which I'm a member. We had great music, great historical events, so much happened in our teen years, especially. Forget about iPods, we had 8-tracks!

And we had Woodstock. I've had two copies of the album and reading this blog took me back to listening to the following, "Thank you, we needed that. This is the second time we've ever played in front of people, man. We're scared shitless." Stephen Stills at Woodstock ...

Being scared shitless in front of the strange, huge crowd at Woodstock would, I'm sure, feel surreal. I tend to think that that is what surrealism is. Surrealism is a train wreck, something so awful and yet so compelling that you can't stop looking at it, because it scares you shitless. And then you realize that you're not there. There is relief.

There is nothing wrong with fear. It's normal. If you see something long and slender lying in the grass and you don't like snakes, you'll likely stay away from it because it scares you. If you dare to get closer and discover that it's a piece of rope, there is relief.

Fear is the facilitator of grief. Grieving that you are dying is normal. Dying is an emotional process as much as a physical process.

I'm not sure about what goes against the grain for you. Is it fear? Is it grief? Is it sitting down and having a grand pity party for a day, a week or two? Is it denial? If it goes against your grain of whatever, is it because you would feel vulnerable to tell your readers that you feel scared shitless?

As an avid reader of this blog, I hope that you will find the courage to tell us how you feel rather than what you think.

You've never done this before. Each day is a new one. Emotionally, you will feel differently from day to day, moment to moment. It's part of the human condition as much as it a part of death and dying.

Write when you can.

Happy Trails

Tara said...

R.I.P Doug
Save a place for me.

Anonymous said...

RIP Doug. Thank you for taking the time to share your experience.

raptordreams said...

Tara

Doug has died?

Anonymous said...

rest In peace doug. I know your family will miss you till you meet again on the other side

raptordreams said...

Dear Doug

I am happy to hear that you have passed through this life and on to the next "Great Adventure".

The torment of having to live what you felt was a lesser life is over. I am happy that you no longer have to endure it.

It is hoped that your transition was peaceful and that you died while you slept.

Thank you for what you felt was shareable with your readers.

In other realms, go in peace.

Happy trails.
raptordreams

katherine schizkoske said...

Doug has left those of us who have followed his shared journey on this blog with a sense of loss - of a virtual friend - one who spoke "his" truth. I will carry Doug's gift with me until my flame flickers and dies. May his family be encouraged by the light he shed on such a difficult subject and as they grieve the loss of his presence, may his memory shine on in their lives. Forever grateful for having "known" you, Doug.

Nick Ruiter said...

Dear Dianne and family,

I got to spend some time with Doug - concur that he was "one of the good guys". He was consistently wonderful, inquiring and engaging.

May Peace be with you.

Linda Huncar said...

Dear Dianne & Family,

I am deeply saddened to hear that Doug passed away. He has left a legacy that will live on through his writings. I hope that, in time, this will comfort you.

Rest in peace now, Doug.

Susan said...

Diane and family
My condolences. We were all lucky to know Doug and learn from his deep philosophies and convictions.

Susan from the Community Advisory Committee

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