May 5, 2012

Day by Day

One day seems to blend into the next, each one characterized by a kind of deja vu that gives an undifferentiated feel to the whole thing.  This is my life now.  Waiting and wondering.  Wondering when I am going to die and waiting for the signs that will tell me it's getting close.  All the while maintaining a laser focus on making the most and best that each day can offer.  I don't plan or think much beyond today because I just can't.

I assess the day and try to figure out what there is about it that I can leverage to make it special.  I look at Dianne and try to see how she is doing today because whatever we do we do together.  We have been so lucky, since I've been on disability insurance (retired essentially for health reasons) to have been able to spend the most of a year and a half together.  I know that's not for everyone.  I know that many people would want to spend much of that time alone to do things for themselves, but that's not how we work.  Our togetherness defines who we are and we cannot make the most of a day without the other.  We're lucky we can do that.

Surely, it makes things difficult at times.  There is always two to please and individually, we each have our bad days.  So sometimes it's just a matter of finding a way to coast through the day.  To get through it and hope that the next day is better.  On average, it works out well and life is pretty good.   Like I say, we're pretty lucky.

The big issue I have is my extreme sensitivity to her.  If I didn't care so much about how she is feeling and what it will be like for her when I'm gone, I would be happier even when she was a little bit down.  But that's just the way it is and I know that and I accept it.  I am a very lucky man to have someone I love so much and who loves me enough to make me feel this way.  If we're together, I'm happy.  I wouldn't trade that for anything.

So what do I do with the day?  Visiting good friends is always a hightlight.  I crave human contact at times and appreciate all of the well wishers who want to see me.  I look forward to getting up to our friend's cottage and really appreciate their efforts to get me there.  I worry about this summer because I'm not as well as last year, but I'm going to give it the good old school try.  Sometimes just getting out to do a few errands is good for the soul, as long as we're together.  A coffee at Starbucks.  (Their non-fat green tea latte is particularly good.  And healthy for what it's worth!)  It doesn't take much.  But I wonder and wait and worry.

Personal Update

So tired.  In a nutshell that's it.  And frustrated.  I need to get some stuff done in the backyard this weekend and I can only watch and supervise and wish I could get my hands dirty.  I just can't risk breaking my back and the world of hurt and inconvenience that would bring to everyone.  I'm now on water pills to help with my breathing and, naturally, have to deal with the side effects of these.  One more balancing act.

16 comments:

Lori Hope said...

Another "don't know what to say" day (more of those as I begin to relate more to your thoughts, feelings, and concerns as well as love you and D more). Also realizing how much i need people to post comments, just very brief notes of caring, as a reminder that i do care. where does the insecurity come from? the fear that it won't matter when i'm gone? It WILL matter so much to me when you're gone!

So i will simply wish you the richest day possible and thank you for your frank open upate.
XOX
Lori
www.lorihope.com

B. said...

What Lori said.... Still with you, Doug.

Anonymous said...

I haven't been able to check your website since my fater passed in March from what started out as prostate cancer. You remind me a lot of him with your words of inspiration and acceptance of what is to come. I was blessed to spend the last four months with him in the hospital, and I can't tell you what that time meant. The openness and honesty we both shared is something I can't even begin to describe - I will hold those memories in my heart forever.
Keep up the battle and know there are many more like me (complete strangers) who wish you and your family well in this unpredictible journey.
God Bless.

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