This post will be a little more disjointed as I bounce around a bit discussing different views of life and life after death. There are lots of different views but some commonalities..
Up to this point, I've talked about a belief system where we all become part of the greater spiritual universe with some question as to whether or not we keep some sense of self or lose that. Knowing which way would help, I think. In either case, there is a question as to whether or not there is any "direction" that we operate under when we're on earth. I guess another way of looking at this is to ask if there is any divine intervention or some form of higher power controlling what we do.
If this is the case, then we need to wonder what purpose we have on earth. Are there plans for each of us? Most chrisians do. Dianne believes, much like the Bhuddists, that we keep coming back until we have developed or learned enough. She thinks that my time is up, perhaps because I needed to help others through my writing (books, blogs) and speaking. It's an interesting concept but it feels strange to think that my death is required to fulfill my destiny. But she might be right! She just feels she has more yet to learn.
I have read a lot about how we are all made of energy and that we take a form determined by the frequency of vibration of that energy relative to how other forms of energy or matter vibrate. One of the implications of this is that similar vibrations tend to attract - hence, the law of attraction we've all heard so much about. Another potential implication is that we just change the frequency of vibration of our essence or soul when we die such that we leave our physical bodies behind and leave the plane of existence within which we exist. This is appealing because it suggests that we - the essence of "me", our souls - continue to exist on some different level or plane which, if we believe those who have had near-death experiences, is a lot nicer and is populated with all those who have died before us. I'll talk about this some more in my next post.
But what is really on my mind these days when I wonder what will happen to me, is what will happen to Dianne and our relationship. Dianne is terrified to be left alone and I am horrified that I am doing this to her. While we both know it's the cancer - it's certainly nothing either of us wanted - that's not enough to make us feel okay about it. I want to be there for her and I've promised to be there in whatever form and whatever way I can. Since I do believe that some of our immortality comes from how we have impacted others through our interactions, I know that part of me is already firmly attached to her own essence. She is different now because of her time with me and we are both better for it.
Good vibrations. The Beach Boys had it right!
I've had a couple of very bad weeks. My health is deteriorating noticeably now, month over month. I had always hoped that I would be reasonably healthy until close to the end, but now I fear that it will be more gradual. And that scares me. I fear the increasing pain and nausea and am frustrated by the fatigue that allows me few productive hours a day. And my time also feels limited. I feel like I don't have enough time to get done all I need to get done. As someone told me today, I just need to take it a day at a time and work through it. That's all I can do.
We have moved up the wedding, which is happening this weekend, and I'm very happy about that. Even so, we are making many accommodations for me and I can't guarantee that I can stay alert the whole day. But I'll do my best. This is too important for me and for my daughter. We're still going to have the big wedding in August, but we need to do this because I may not be around or well enough by then. We all hope I am, but we're taking no chances.