HAPPY FATHER'S DAY

Today is Sunday, June 16, 2013.  This is the second Father's Day since Doug died in 2011.  Last year Father's Day came so soon after Doug had died that I can hardly remember it.  I know I was still in shock at that time.  This year I really feel the loss of him more.  I wonder how Caralia and Sean feel?  I know this day must be so much harder for them .  Sean is still in Jasper.  Caralia is camping.  I am alone.  If Doug were alive we would be having a celebration, and I would be with him and my family.

Happy Father's Day to all of those wonderful Father's out there.   I know many of my friends are celebrating this day with their families.  As I look out of my window I can see many cars lined up along my street, in front of the homes of their families with whom they are cebrating this wonderful day.

 I wish my family and I could be celebrating too.  Of course that would mean the events of May 30th 2011 never happened.  Where is a genie bottle when you need one?

Life has changed 100% since the day Doug died, at least for me.  I am the only "widow" in my group of friends.  After Doug's death their lives continued on as usual.  Unfortunately my life would never be the same.

Today I have spent the afternoon watching old movies on tv about love.  Probably not the best thing to be doing when you are feeling like this, but they seem to be the only things on today.  Therefore, I have been in tears off and on all day.  I worry I will never feel joy and happiness again.

This morning I spoke to one of my friend's from my grief group and she informed me that she has also been very sad today.  Her only happiness came from the knowledge that she would be spending the day with her Son and his family.  Her Son has insisted that she attend dinner with his family every Sunday, as he does not want her to be alone.  I am happy for her.  Some of the other women in the group are getting together with their kids today, to give remembrance to their Husbands.

It has been a funny day as far as the weather is concerned.  It was raining in the morning and now it is a lovely evening.  As I write this, through my open window I can feel a wonderful breeze caressing my face and making me wonder why I am sitting here writing and not outside enjoying it.  Oh yeah, it rained today and all of my furniture is wet.  I knew there must be a reason.

Also through my window drifts the scent of someone grilling in their backyard on their bbq.  I haven't had a bbq since sometime last summer.   Doug always did all of the grilling and and was great at it and  damn proud of it too.  He loved to cook.  Actually, he taught me how to cook.  On our first date I invited him over for a home cooked meal and he ended up cooking, lol.  When he grilled he would sit outside with a book or his computer and multitask from one to the other.  In the summer he loved to sit outside and enjoy the day.  Even when he was very sick in early May of 2011 I would wrap him up in blankets and  he would sleep for a few hours outside.  It feels so lonely out their on my own now.

I do wonder if the tears that flow so easily will ever slow down.  As much as I attempt to do lots of "fun" things with my friends, I still end up back at home, alone, in a puddle.  Will my life ever get better?  Will my heart ever feel whole again?  I don't know?  I hope so.   

  

 

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Goodbye from Doug

(Doug passed away this morning, May 30, at 10:45 am surrounded by family and with his loving wife Dianne. We found this post that Doug wrote some time ago and know he would want it posted.)

I used to have a pair of wings, silver, that I worn on a chain around my neck for awhile last year. I asked that they be kept near the bed because I would need them to get me up to heaven, or wherever else I end up. Not hell - I don't believe in that and I am one of the good guys anyway. Wherever I'm going, I'll be there by the time you read this.
I wanted to say goodbye, but there's a lot more I need to say so I asked my dear Dianne, my soulmate, to make sure it got posted.
Worried about the future. Lots of good, but overshadowed by greed and pursuit of power. We cheer when dictatorships fall but we see the short-sighted decisions made by our own governments all in the name of betting re-elected.
We are idealistic when we're young but we learn that these ideals will never be reached as long as their are ways to achieve power over others and greed and money etc. Disheartening. Helps us to focus on our own lives, etc.
Not physical beings on a spiritual journey but we are spiritual beings on a journey through the physical plane.

Have made mistakes, but these are identification marks of our humanity.I am the product of all I have done and I will bring that with me.
Starting a new journey.

Used to say I would leave on a spaceship. That's how I look at dying.

So hard for Dianne. Afraid of being left alone and growing old without someone to understand her.

What I will miss most!

Followers. How they touch me.

Permit me this final dollop of guilt and let me ask Dianne if she can ever forgive me for leaving her.

Remember me fondly. Wherever I go, whatever happens to me, I will have that much immortality.

"All of this makes more precious each hour of those we have been given; it demands that life must be useful and rewarding. If by our work and pleasure, our triumphs and our failures, each of us is contributing to an evolving process of continuity not only of our species but of the entire balance of nature, the dignity we create in the time allotted to us becomes a continuum with the dignity we achieve by the altruism of accepting the necessity of death.
A realistic expectation also demands our acceptance that one’s allotted time on earth must be limited to an allowance consistent with the continuity of the existence of our species. Mankind, for all its unique gifts, is just as much a part of the ecosystem as is any other zoologic or botanical form, and nature does not distinguish. We die so that the world may continue to live. We have been given the miracle of life because trillions upon trillions of living things have prepared the way for us and then have died—in a sense, for us. We die, in turn, so that others may live. The tragedy of a single individual becomes, in the balance of natural things, the triumph of ongoing life." (Sherwin Nuland - How We Die)